I can't sleep...
Let's see...it is 1:20 am. I am usually asleep around 11pm. I am very tired but my brain won't let me sleep. Here is what has been running through it.....
My house went on the market at the beginning of the week. It looks great, sure hope it sells fast.
I start "teaching workshops". Since I am a new teacher, I have to attend a buttload. Our school is doing some major construction so I can't even get into my classroom until a week before school starts. I have been having "I'm not prepared " nightmares about school already!
I haven't printed out a single wedding photo...isn't that bad! I love them, but just haven't had the time. And speaking of procrastination (probably the real reason photos arn't done)I still have a handful of thank you cards left to fill and send out, ugh!
The real reason I am probably awake tonight is I am thinking of my dad. It has been 2 months since he passed away. I have done so much in two months that it seems like forever ago that I went to the funeral, then again it feels like yesterday. I am so used to pickingup the phone and telling him about things going on in my life. What's weird is that I have the hardest time speaking about him in past tense. The other day I said something to Dancer like "oh, dad would like that", like he is still around. The worst was last week my step mom called while I was out, so when I checked the caller id it had my dad's name on it. For a split second I was so excited that he had called, only to realize that it couldn't have been him. Now I am crying as I am typing.
ok, I'm back.... need to invest in Kleenex stock.
I've never had anyone close to me die, before my dad passed away. I've never been on the receiving end of condolences. It's weird. People usually ignore the fact that my dad died. Or some say their sorry to know he passed. And then my personality hides the way I feel in front of others. It's like I don't want them to feel bad so I make jokes and goof around. I put up this front, like its no big deal when nobody really knows that I cry everyday, mostly in the shower or at night when everyone is asleep. I especially don't cry in front of Lil'Babs. She was pretty upset over it all, too. She asks me every couple of days...why did Grandpa have to die? Sometimes I just want someone to just hold me and tell me it's ok to feel the way I feel....I just don't want to burden anyone by telling them I feel sad about my dad passing....that is why I cry by myself. I've got to try to go to sleep....I am not even going to read back over this because I'll probably just delete it and say "babs, your just being silly...go to bed"
~until next time
posted by ~Babs @ 1:19 AM
6 Comments:
When I lost Veronique (right before I met you for the first time) it was the first time I had some one EXTREMELY close to me die so I know what you mean.
People always say it gets better but the truth is, it just changes.
You can always close your eyes and feel the SAME pain you felt the instant you knew. You just don't feel the pain all the time.
Hang in there honey.
HUGS!
~K
Huge hugs, Babs!! I know what you mean. Same boat, just a different parent... and just about as long ago, too. I get that same thing- where it feels like so long ago, but yet it seems like she is still alive too. And I also get that "I'm going to call her" to share something neat- but then to realize that I can't.
That is when you just have to realize that they have already seen it. They're watching and they already know.
I cry in front of my kids about Mom. I just want them to know that it's okay to feel the hurt and loss and that even though Mommy cries, things are still okay. You might be surprised at Lil Babs' ability to help you through, rather than freaking out.
It still says "Mom & Dad" in my cell phone ID when Dad calls, too. I won't change it.
((((((((((Babs))))))))))))
~TuxB
thanks guys! Validation is what I needed. I am tired today, but feeling better. It is like a roller coaster...ya know?
Yes, I do know that roller coaster. Plus you've had so very much going on in those two months to distract you. I can imagine the feelings come over you like a crashing wave sometimes.
It's normal. It's certainly not pleasant, but it's normal. (sigh)
I hope you and ill' Babs can share your grief together, perhaps even cry together. She can learn from you how to grieve.
One of the best things I did when my Mom (with whom I was extremely close) died was to see a grief counselor. These weird things would happen to me - like everything I've ever done wrong since the second grade flashing before my eyes - and it was helpful to know it could be part of the grieving process. I specifically asked 'what else can happen?' so I could be prepared for it.
I'm sorry for the stress about not getting into your room until the last week, but I have confidence that you can pull it together. It can grow, too, as the semester goes on.
Wishing you well, Babs.
~tinks
Honey, it's normal to feel this way. You have to grieve the loss. But yes, he is still with you every day so you can refer to him in present tense.
Lost too many friends and family over the years but not a parent yet so I know how you feel, just not a parent.
I think your new hubby would be happy to hold you and tell you everything is going to be okay while you cry. Mine does when I need to cry and it sure does help.
((HUG))
~TG
I can't think of anything to add, but I don't think you should feel guilty at all for feeling the loss of your father so deeply. It's expected and totally normal. Losing someone you love isn't something that anyone expects you to be "okay" about. There are always going to be things that challenge your emotions and you can't help but feel when you encounter them.
I don't like to cry in front of my kids either--i have that same fear--it will scare them--so I know how you feel, but every once in awhile I have, and you'd be surprised at how comforting they are when I'm sad. I'm sure lil' Babs is the same way.
Your wedding pictures are absolutely fantastic. Don't stress too much over getting them printed. Just take your time--they're digital and they'll wait for you. ;)
love you,
--snow
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